How To Be Sexually Free By Being Someone You're Not

Posted on March 2016  in 


FKA twigs; photo via Tumblr

I used to be unknowingly subscribed to certain depictions of female sexuality and sexiness, depictions that did not fit me. I tried to make them fit, tried forcing my body and personality into popular portrayals of the erotic, but it was impossible.

I'm black. I'm queer. I'm lanky. My hair is kinky. My tits are small. I have tattoos. And while I'm not super skinny, I certainly don't have the exaggerated thickness that is touted as supremely arousing.

And it wasn't just that I didn't have the physical characteristics of mainstream sexuality, I felt like I didn't have a sexual personality. I didn't have a low, seductive voice. I didn't have mannerisms to conveyed flirtation. My disposition felt more happy-go-lucky than "Fuck me!"

I had no sex appeal (or so I thought).

I simply don't fit the standard model of female sexuality that I often see plastered in advertisements and mainstream porn. And because of this, for a lot of years "sexy" wasn't a word I'd use to describe myself because I didn't have those tell-tale markers of female sexuality. Which made me feel like my erotic identity was wrong, or that it simply didn't exist.

Until I found my erotic muse.

She was erotic, sensual, unapologetically woman. She possessed qualities of sexual confidence and self-possession that I didn’t have, but hoped to eventually embody.

But more than that, my erotic muse helped to show me that unique kinds of sexual expression were available to me, that there’s not just one tone of erotic identity.

It was through my erotic muse that I found my footing as a sexual woman.

Every woman needs an erotic muse, someone they can look up to, someone who inspires their sexual greatness.

We cannot be what we don’t see.

I like to think of an erotic muse as someone whose sexual essence I can model after, even steal from. I conjure their energy when I feel I need a boost of sensualism or moxie. I can look to them for inspiration when my sexual energy feels stagnant.

A few of my erotic muses:

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(Beyoncé, FKA twigs, Rihanna, Lana Del Rey, and Nicki Minaj to name a few.)

My erotic muses are unique in their own ways, and they tend to change depending on where I'm at in my sexual journey. But what they represent to me is always the same:

Sexual confidence, sexual agency, pussy power—women who know that they are sexual and proudly own that truth.

My muses speak their desires; they make them undeniably known. They show off their sexual bodies unapologetically. They know that they are worthy of pleasure, and they allow themselves to receive it fully, like the queens they are.

Knowing that I have these women to model after makes my sexual expression feel less isolated. It also gives me the courage to truly own and step into my sexual power as a woman.

Because if they can do it, so can I.


Start by asking yourself this question: If there was a person whose sexual / sensual essence I could bottle up and take regular doses of, who would it be?

Not sure who that is just yet? Watch some erotic films. Peruse through sexy Tumblr. Read erotica. Watch porn. As you're on the hunt for her, see where your interest piques, where your eyes get a little starry-eyed as a voice inside of you says, "I want to be her." She might be there.

Also, while you're searching notice if any themes come up. Are you feeling pulled toward the same kinds of women, the same certain kinds of sexual expression? Are there specific words that keeping coming to mind when you think about this woman?

It's possible you've had an erotic muse for a long, long time, you've just not had a word for the way she influences you until now. Maybe she's in your favorite movie. Maybe you hear her crooning in your favorite song. She could be there for you now and you've never noticed.


Once you’ve picked your muse you can begin lightly playing as her by taking on some of the qualities that most attracted you to her.

Kind of like roleplaying, only this'll be lighter and more improvisational. With this, you won't just be taking on her physical qualities. You'll be playing with her energetic qualities—her essence, her sexual mood, the way she does certain things.

Like, How does my erotic muse walk? How does she ask for what she wants? How do I imagine she feels in her body?

If you're not sure how to answer these questions, you could do some research by watching music videos and interviews, and looking at their photo spreads.

But I you can also just use your imagination and come to your own conclusions. This is meant to be play, after all.

Of course, you can go into the specifics of a physical portrayal, maybe getting into the habit of wearing things that bring about that certain essence you're trying to embody. Adorning your physical body can be a powerful way of getting you "into character."

But you don’t really need to commit to a perfect physical portrayal. Again, this is more about embodying energy not performing.

By practicing playing as your sexual muse outside of the bedroom, you should feel more comfortable when you go to play as her in the bedroom.


This will be exactly like the embodying you did before, except with explicitly sexual overtones. With this, you'll be asking, How would my erotic muse initiate? How does she receive pleasure? How does she give it?

Essentially, how does my erotic muse fuck?

This will require an even more of a playful imagination because unless you are the muse herself, you have no way of knowing how she fucks. You'll have to guess.

But thankfully, you have plenty of material to work with because of how you've been playing with her outside of the bedroom. And if not, go back to the mental notes you took about her when you initially took her as your muse.

Go back to the words that encompass her. Go back to what it is that inspires you about her. Then, give it a sexual overtone.


A few important notes about embodying your erotic muse:

(1) If ever you feel uncomfortable or off while playing, know that you can "take off" her energy any time.

Playing like this will feel a bit foreign because you're embodying traits that aren't usually yours, but it shouldn't feel so uncomfortable that you begin to feel disconnected from your own essence. If it does, take her off and come back to it later.

(2) You'll likely have multiple muses that inspire you in their own unique ways.

Like, maybe you like her because the way she owns her naked curvy body gives you courage to own yours. But you also like this other muse because even though she's not as curvy, you really want to embody the way she shamelessly owns her kinky side.

Some days I feel more FKA twigs in the way express my sexual energy—soft and tender, but desirous. Other days, I'm more Rihanna—brash, forward, NOW. It truly depends on my mood and where I'm at in my cycle.

But the bottom line is: Sexual expression is multifaceted. Allow your erotic muses to be too.


Embodying your erotic muse is a great way to challenge yourself to be more sexually powerful, to take more risks in your sexual expression, to do away with hurdles that keep you from being sexually free.

But my favorite thing about playing with erotic muses is that it can be a gentle way to explore your inner sexual woman without necessarily having to do all the deep work to get there.

She can be a beacon that helps keep you on the steady track toward sexual liberation. She can be the wind in your sails when you feel like you'll never get there. She can be the star you're trying to shoot for.

Because sometimes the best way to be the woman you hope to become is to be her now.

© 2020 Ev'Yan Whitney / All rights reserved.