Reader Question: What If My Man Refuses to Have Sex With Me on My Period?

After I published my last article, my inbox was flooded with emails from readers who joyously professed their love of period sex & gave a resounding "Hell yes!" to the notion of destigmatizing menstruation (which, Hell yes!).There was also another sentiment that was expressed over & over: "I love period sex! But my partner hates it." One gal asked for my personal input on it, & with her permission I've decided to post her question & my answer here. It's very obvious that this is something that many of us can relate to.

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Ev'Yan—I can't tell you how many times I have felt revved up, sexual, goddess-like, ON FIRE with sensuality during my cycle and yet - stalled - by the circumstances.It's not that I have a problem with [period sex], but my partner finds it appalling. I totally understand his feelings (especially because he is still coming to terms with HIS sexuality and urges) but I can't help but think it might be a really great time for me to engage.Do I just relinquish my desires and respect his feelings? Is there a conversation or perspective that may spur his curiosity? Has your lover always been pro-period sex?—Ashley H. Ashley,Your partner is absolutely entitled to his preference of not liking period sex, just as other women are right to dislike it themselves. But one thing I will say is that many of us don't often form our own opinions around sexual matters, & instead end up going with harmful, archaic beliefs that we haven't consciously subscribed to, simply because that's the way it's always been.With that said, I'm curious to know. . . why does your partner really find period sex—&, I'm assuming, your period in general—appalling? What is the true source of his disdain? These would be great questions to ask him, too; not in a badgering way, but with genuine curiosity & in the hopes of starting a much needed dialogue.And if his answer is, "Well, because it's gross," that might be a cue to dig deeper.Our culture has done a collective number on the minds of women & men surrounding bloody vaginas, & lots of misinformation & fear-mongering has been in place about menstruating women for thousands of years. The Bible, for one, has some pretty strong opinions about the "impurity" of menstruating women; the Qu'ran, too.And given those opinions, it's no wonder your man finds the idea of period sex "appalling." Men are afraid of our moon blood because they don't understand it. They don't even really talk about it beyond the occasional sarcastic (& sometimes sexist) remark. It's just not in their language.What men need most (all people, really) is to be educated about women's bodies, to be given accurate information about the magic that goes on down there. After all, he's fucking you; he should know the ins & outs, the good & the bloody, of your bodyAnd for our parts, we women need to stop seeing menstruation as a women-folk only topic, & include the dudes in the conversation. That means no more hiding our tampon boxes or downplaying our pain or belittling our innate sensitivity during that time of our cycle. We need to be proud, not ashamed, of our bleeding vaginas. (Tweet that if you dare!)When that happens, the men in our lives can begin their own feminine enlightenment.As Inga Muscio says:

"Society fails to acknowledge that our bleeding cycle affects men's lives tremendously . . . . Sometimes men are surrounded on all sides by cranky, bleeding cunts!"

Indeed, & they have little to no conception of what it is they—the bleeding cunts—actually do besides bleeding profusely & causing us to act differently once a month. We, the women they love & fuck, can help change that.So, educate him. Start the dialogue. Tell him why it is you want to fuck him when you're on your period. Ask him questions. Let him see your blood. Give him an idea of what's going on in your body when you menstruate, & not just the gruesome tales, but of the natural, beautiful phenomenon that is your body, which is inherently synced to the rhythms & cycles of the moon.He should know how awesome period sex is for the both of you, about some of the super awesome benefits (that he gets to be a part of!) like. . .

// Did you know that when you orgasm on your period, the contracting of your uterus helps relieve cramps, but also aids in expelling blood & tissue which helps end your period sooner?

// Orgasm while menstruating also releases lovely little chemicals in your brain that helps reduce period pain & elevates your mood.

// Because of the increased blood flow to your pelvic region during menstruation, every inch of your body is incredibly sensitive, making pleasure & sensation heightened. So you might feel sex much more intensely than if you weren't bleeding.

// &, of course: No need for lube.

Or you can just let him watch this powerful spoken word performance by Dominique Christina, which just might turn him into a raving Bloodhound (no, seriously, this is a thing).

In any case, knowledge is power, & his having sex with you while you're bleeding powerfully demonstrates not only his level of maturity, but an understanding & acceptance of the female body.

With all of that splendid information & period positivity, he might be willing to give period sex a go, or to at least entertain the idea (curiosity is better than indifference). Here's some tips & tricks that'll help make period sex easy-peasy for you both:

• Before getting it on, put a dark colored towel underneath you to both catch the stains & hide them. (I should point out here that period sex is never as bloody as you think it'll be, & he might be very surprised by how little of a mess is actually made.)
• Or, turn the process of readying for bloody sex into a sensual ritual as one of my readers' partners did. Light candles, nibble on chocolate together, turn on some good music.
• Our flow tends to be lighter when laying on our backs, so you might try sticking to the missionary position.
• If the sight of blood makes him squeamish, do it in the dark. Another reader of mine suggested blindfolding him, making the experience playfully sexy & fun.
• Or. . . do it in the shower.
• Or. . . have him wear a condom.
• Or, try period sex on the last day when your flow is at its lightest. That way, he can dip a toe in & see how he feels about it without jumping into the deep end of the river. (Puns everywhere!)

Now, if after all this your partner is still totally not cool with the idea of period sex, no matter if the lights are off & a condom is on & you're both in the shower, that's quite alright; everyone's got their preferences. You'll just have to ask yourself how much of a deal breaker not having period sex is for you, if it's something you can live without (many women do).My deepest hope, though, is that with enough open, unabashed chatter about bleeding vaginas & what they do, the men in our lives will begin to feel less squicked out by menstruation & more open to the idea of kneeling at our red gates.After all, if they're choosing to fuck us, they should experience every facet of us—the blood, the sweat, the vaginal secretions. . . all of us.As for whether my lover has always been pro-period sex: This is something I actually had to ask him, because I didn't know for sure if his stance about menstruation has always been positive.This is what Jonathan told me:"Period sex has never really bothered me. I just see it as a natural thing that happens, & you can just rinse the blood off. It's not a big deal. Some of the women I've dated had their greatest level of arousal during their periods. And for me to pass that up, I'd miss out on a lot."

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Many thanks to my good friend & period sex advocate Samantha Zipporah for lending me her knowledge in the aid of writing this post.