A few years ago, I used to joke with my girlfriends that I’d much rather have a piece of chocolate cake than have sex with my husband. It gave them quite a laugh, but little did they know how much truth there was to that joke.
I wanted to love sex, but that wasn’t the case for me at the time. Actually, if I was being honest, sex was the bane of my existence, and anytime I could so much as sense that that was the direction the evening was going in, I’d immediately close myself up and fake another headache.
On the surface, it seemed like I was just one of those women who didn’t prefer sex, similar to those who have an aversion to cilantro. But intuitively, I knew it was deeper than that; my avoidance of sex came from more than just disdain.
I was crippled with shame. My erotic desires felt like giant burdens on my shoulders, and my sexual expression was still very much entwined with oppressive beliefs generated from religion and learned self-censoring.
Also, I had no idea what it meant to be a sexual woman. I had a sense of what it looked like—sexuality and sexiness were flaunted before my eyes constantly via the media—but those expressions didn’t fit me.
But mostly, I didn’t have any sexual confidence, and the rare occasions that I did have sex left me feeling like a fumbling idiot—a shy 15-year-old girl trying to play a confident, sensual woman, and failing miserably at it.
While my husband slept deeply beside me, I would lie awake and wonder:
Why can't I be like everyone else? Why can't I be the wife my husband deserved? What on earth is wrong with me?
I spent much of those years violating my body by having sex when I didn’t want to just to suffice the guilt—which created even more shame and confusion and produced some very tearful conversations between me and my husband.
These were some of the darkest times of my life, and my relationship almost ended because of it.
I couldn't watch my marriage deteriorate because of my “sexual dysfunction” any longer. I was tired of shame keeping me from my desires. I was tired of feeling broken.
I wanted to love my body. I wanted to celebrate my sexuality. I wanted to feel like the sensual woman I knew I was deep down inside.
I hungered for sexual liberation.
My name is Ev'Yan Whitney. I'm a sexuality doula®, a sex educator and facilitator, and I began doing this work in 2011 from my own personal longing to become sexually free.
I've been on my sexual liberation journey for more than a decade, and as I've continued to unshame and reclaim my sexuality, my work has expanded to an even deeper purpose:
To guide women and femmes into their own sexual awakenings and help them recover their lost connection with their bodies, desires, and the pleasure that is their birthright.
My mission is to breathe sensual light into you, to hold space for you as you reconnect to your body, and to gently guide you towards healing that'll shake the foundations of the lies you've been told about your pleasure and power.
I invite you to be curious. I invite you to challenge your shame. I invite you to begin your sexual liberation journey.
Somehow, on the vast internet, you've found your way to this site and I am so happy you're here. Please, make yourself at home.
But especially: Follow your curiosity. You are so welcome here.
i was made from sex.
there is no shame. in such a creation.
© 2020 Ev'Yan Whitney / All rights reserved.