Episode 74: How We Heal (with Alex Elle)
What does it mean to heal yourself? In this one, Ev’Yan speaks with author Alex Elle about the many layers, pains, and joys of being on a self-healing journey, in celebration of Alex’s new and bestselling book, How We Heal. Alex speaks about what it means to center joy and pleasure within our healing journeys, how to feel the frustration and anger that comes with being the first in our lineage to embark upon this work, and so much about the challenges of healing ourselves while being in relationships with others.
Also: Ev’Yan shares some sweet announcements.
The full transcript of this episode is below.
Links/mentions:
Get Alex’s book, How We Heal
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Alex Elle is a NYT Bestselling Author, certified breathwork coach, and Restorative Writing teacher living in Maryland with her family. The intention behind Alex’s work is to build community & self-care practices through literature & language. Alex teaches workshops, courses, and retreats to assist others in finding their voices and create clarity in their lives & relationships. She is currently a teacher in residence at CIVANA Resort in Carefree, AZ, where she teaches quarterly. Find her on Instagram at @alex.
Episode Transcription:
Hey, welcome to Sensual Self. I'm Ev'Yan Whitney and this is a space for you to slow down, tune in, heal and feel the sensations and pleasures of your sensual body. Thank you for being here.
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Hello, folks, and welcome to this podcast if this is your first time listening, and if you've been here before, thank you for coming back. It's nice to have you again. Today, I am so excited to share with you a conversation between me and Alex Elle about the many layers, pains and joys of being on a self-healing journey. In celebration of her new bestselling book, How We Heal. We got into so many beautiful corners of this topic that I know are going to move things within you. Things like what it means to center joy and pleasure within our healing journeys that honestly can feel so exhausting, the frustration and anger that comes from being the first in our lineage to embark upon healing, how inner child work also includes inner teenager work. And so, so much about the complexities of healing ourselves, while being in relationship with others and all the triggers that that can bring up.
This conversation with Alex happened during a time of great change and transition for me. I don't want to get into it too much, but I feel like I'm being asked to step deeper into my own self-healing right now. And because of that, a lot is moving in me. I've been uncovering parts of myself that I haven't given proper attention to in years. And it's been painful, and delightful, and very revealing to say the literal least. So hearing Alex speak to the complexities of what it means to heal, to the complexities of her own healing journey, it was very, very impactful for me, because I'm very much in the thick of it right now. I was also pleasantly surprised that this discussion about healing landed so much for me because I'm usually such a cynic when it comes to these kinds of conversations. I don't know, I just feel like everybody and their mother is talking about healing and wellness right now and I can't hear either of those words without rolling my eyes a little bit. But Alex is so down to earth and more than that, the transparency of her process, which has led her to be a leading voice in the healing space just felt so real. And it was just really refreshing andd my body was really receptive and grateful for all that she offered here, just with her presence and excellence and authenticity. I think this might be one of my favorite episodes on Sensual Self. And y'all know we've had so many good ones. But this one, this one comes to the top of the line for me.
I think y'all are going to love it. And before we get into it, I want to let y'all know that after today, Sensual Self will be going on a tiny winter break for a bit to rest and recharge before the second half of the season. But don't worry, we'll be back really soon. I just need a break. 2022 has been a lot. And I'm sure some of y'all feel me.
Alright, I won't keep you any longer. Here's my conversation with Alex Elle. And as always, I'll circle back near the end with a practice to help you embody the invitations to heal that she gave us today.
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Alex, thank you so much for being here on Sensual Self.
Alex Elle
Wow, I cannot wait to dive in. It's awesome to be with you. Thank you for having me.
Ev'Yan Whitney
It's such a pleasure to have you and I'm so excited to be in this conversation with you around healing. And honestly when I think about the concept of healing within social media or just like our mainstream, modern world, I think about you. And I think about the conversations that you're always furthering about what it means to not only heal ourselves, but take care of ourselves. And I love that you have put all of that magic, all of those permission slips into your new book, How We Heal. So I'm just jazzed to be able to highlight you and talk about this new book, which is beautiful.
Alex Elle
Thank you, thank you so much. I'm, I'm really excited about how we heal. I think it's what the community needs. If I do say so myself. And I think that the messaging around when we heal ourselves, we heal each other is something deeply important to me, and that I want to be as far reaching as possible.
Ev'Yan Whitney
As someone who is really in it, when it comes to teaching folks how to heal, and also healing very publicly, I mean, I feel like you're very vulnerable in and transparent in sharing with us the ways that you have healed and been on this journey. I wonder what you sort of make of how we are healing as a collective? Like, what-- do you have any thoughts or words or just like, I don't know, feelings about what you're seeing, as you continue to do this work and some of the themes that are coming up?
Alex Elle
Hmm. I think the main theme I'm saying is that everybody needs healing, and everybody wants to heal in their own right, and way. I think, too, we have a lot of work to do. But then on the other hand, it's like there's an awakening happening, which feels so amazing, to witness and to be a part of. Choosing healing, for me is a radical act of self advocacy. And so when I see people healing, and doing what allows them to feel liberated within their lives, and for their lineage, and for those who come after them, and for themselves, it's it's extremely powerful for me just to bear witness to that. And that's what healing is, I think it's this bearing witness to other people choosing themselves, and choosing to do things differently. And to be unapologetic about that.
Ev'Yan Whitney
Mm hmm. I love what you said about how you're noticing that people feel sort of this hunger to heal. And perhaps one of the things that keeps them from going on this journey is they don't really know where to start. Because to heal, it sounds so big and so lofty and such a gargantuan task. But I feel like the resources that you put out there, and particularly with this book, how we heal is going to be such a, such a guide and a companion for folks to help them work through this journey, bit by bit. And even doing it over. You know, like, I've been thinking about how healing isn't linear. Like, we're not just like healing as we age. And then we hit a particular mark in our healing, and we're done healing forever. Like, as I was, as I was paging through your book, I was thinking about how this would be such a beautiful book to do over and over and over again, you know? Like, once you finish that first that first read through, like, come back to in a couple of months, and like, I'm willing to bet you will find different layers to heal into which is, which is really, to me, it's really beautiful. But I understand for folks that it might feel daunting, you know?
Alex Elle
I mean, it is daunting, but something else that I want to send her here is that healing is also a celebration of joy. And as a black woman who writes about joy and healing and self nurturing and liberation through self nourishment. I think it's extremely important that we realize that we're not just mending our trauma, and that we don't have to just be healing through the things that have ripped us open. We can also be making space for the joy that's to come for the happiness that we experience for the gratitude that we're walking through. It's so multifaceted this healing space that we're in, and I don't think a lot of people are talking about that, which is why I wanted to write How We Heal. It is a guide. Yes, there are stories and things in there for me I interview some amazing folks in the book. And I also give folks conversation starters in journal prompts and meditations because I want this to be a book that you've returned to quarterly, or whenever you need it, because healing is a forever love. And joy seeking and joy delivery through healing and growth and expansion and change is not only is it possible, but it's like really necessary for us to feel rooted and grounded in our healing process, because it is something that we're going to have to be doing until the day we transition off this earth, I truly believe it. And so like, if we're not centering joy in that, then we're going to be continuously kind of perpetuating the cycles of brokenness and, and harm when it's like-- Like, that's not the goal, the goal is to rise up from that and figure out a way to live in live with it, but also in a way that feels a little more useful than it might today.
Ev'Yan Whitney
Mm hmm. I really appreciate that. You mentioned joy, alongside this process of healing, because I know for me in my own healing journey, I feel like joy often gets lost. You know, like, because the healing feels so big, and it also feels so taxing and so traumatizing, I mean, there's a lot to heal through. A lot of what you want to heal through is to go through shit, you know. And, yeah, I often forget that the purpose of the healing journey is for me to experience joy and pleasure and ease and liberation, and not just to be in the muck and mire of wading through inner child traumas and all of these other things. So I'm really glad that you highlighted the joy piece, because you're right, I don't see people talking about that enough when it comes to these healing processes.
Alex Elle
Yeah, I mean, I know I needed that, when I was in the thick of my healing. And when I end up back in the thick of it. I mean, as I heal from childhood trauma, as I heal, from shame, and all the other things that I've been walking through, as a human being, it's like, Whoa, I find myself almost ignoring joy sometimes. So I have to center it, I have to remember that it's available to me. And that joy can look by going for my daily walk, and just listening to the birds. And it's autumn here-- I mean, it's autumn everywhere. But in DC and Maryland, like, you can see the changing leaves and it's just beautiful. It's like a rebirth happening. And I really enjoy that. And that brings me joy, you know, my morning cup of coffee or tea brings me joy. So it's like really leaning into the little things. And getting back to basics and finding those micro moments that we can be like that we can rest in, especially when we are in the space of dismantling some big stuff. Healing is big, but it can also be a soft landing space if we allow it. Hmm.
Ev'Yan Whitney
I love how you're talking about joy here. And like these little things that bring you joy or that you are more awake to because of these healing processes that you've been through. And as you talk about joy, it's sounding so much like sensuality, to me. Like sensuality, for me is about taking those small moments to notice what is delighting your senses, to connect to your body in ways that feel good. And I don't know, I'm just like connecting some dots here around. Why do we heal, you know, it's not just to feel better, but it's also to feel good, you know, and like the healing. The healing creates pathways can create more pathways to feeling good, and to have these really beautiful moments of noticing the leaves turning color or enjoying that cup of coffee. It's really difficult to do that if you're in a state of disease.
Alex Elle
Yes, all of that 100%. And, and, and really trusting that healing is a pathway back home to ourself. I really believe that, especially because I spent so much time feeling disconnected from me, and being able to say, you know, I can heal through this, but I can also give myself permission to hold whatever hurt is happening. Like there's just deep permission and liberation there. And again, it goes back to the multifacetedness of healing work and feeling good and giving ourselves permission to feel good. Which is what I really love about your work- is the centering of permission. And so it all goes hand in hand like, truly?
Ev'Yan Whitney
Yes, it really does. It really does. Can you talk a little bit about your healing journey? Whatever you're willing to share, you know, when you got started, what was sort of the impetus for you to get started? And like, what have you noticed as you've been breaking through each layer of coming back home to yourself as you've been, in this process of healing yourself? Hmm.
Alex Elle
Well, I intentionally started healing. About 10 years ago, I was 23. And I had to make a decision to honor the changes that I wanted to make in my life. I think even prior to that, my healing might have started slightly earlier, but I didn't have the language for it. So I had a child, I was 18, my oldest daughter, Charlie. And I was in a really broken place. But I knew that I wanted to be good for myself, and good for her. And I didn't know then that I was choosing a different path. I just knew that I wanted to be a different mother than I had, a different woman than I saw other women in my lineage be and I wanted to live an intentional life. Again, didn't have that language 18, 19, 20. But I started gaining it when I met this amazing therapist, named Miss B, she was my first therapist, as a young adult, who I went to on my own. And she encouraged me to start writing to heal myself. I had always been a writer, but I never knew that my words could be the balm that I needed. And I never knew that my truth could take up space on the page in the way that she encouraged it to happen for me. And so I would say around 23, is when I really started to step into my healing with intention. You know, I had been given this I've been, I had been given this permission from Miss B, around 19, 20 to start writing to heal myself. I made a decision at 18 to be different, didn't know how to do it, but I was going to try to do it. And at 23, I was like, It's time because I can't keep saying I want to heal. But continue putting myself in spaces that are harmful. That continue to break me down and wear me down. And I'm doing that by choice. Like no one was forcing me I was doing it by choice because I thought I wasn't worthy of joy that I wasn't worthy of feeling good that I wasn't worthy of healing. And choosing to shift my thought process came because I was just at my wit's end. And I was sad, and I didn't want to be sad anymore. And I didn't want to feel broken. I didn't want to be ashamed. I didn't want to be unhappy, because I saw what unhappiness did to my mother to my grandmother. I didn't want to stay stuck in the mud. I want it to bloom. And so I have a lotus tattooed on the back of my neck for that exact reason. It's like choosing myself looked like healing myself.
Ev'Yan Whitney
Hmm. Did you see or did you have any models of healing when you were growing up? I mean, I just think about so much of what we're doing as folks you know, it's that saying that it gets used all the time: “healing intergenerational trauma” and “breaking intergenerational curses”, you know, like so often. We are the first of our lineage to really do this work and I'm just curious if you had any models in your family, in your chosen family that you saw what was possible when it came to to healing yourself?
Alex Elle
No, I am the first. And I often say that I'm the matriarch of healing for my lineage, which feels really big, but also a deep honor. Because someone had to do it, you know?
Ev'Yan Whitney
Yeah. Yeah.I feel that. And I also feel, I don't know, maybe it's just me, but I'm listening to you speak about this. And I'm thinking about the ways that I have been a matriarch for my own lineage in terms of healing the ways, particularly within these realms of sexuality and stigma around sex and shame and, and all of these things. And just like the tiredness, of having to, to do that work, you know, like, it's, it is an honor. Yes. But it's also extremely, I found it extremely exhausting to do one that is holding, because I'm not just healing my shit, right? I'm healing everybody's.
Ev'Yan Whitney
Everybody's. And yeah, I just, I wonder if you could speak to that. Exhaustion. I imagine that's something you felt as a matriarch of healing and your family. But yeah, it's--
Alex Elle
It is exhausting. And I also was really pissed about it at first.
Ev'Yan Whitney
Say that!
Alex Elle
Why do I have to be the one to lead the way? Like, right? Why couldn't someone lead the way for me? And I think I, you know, I have three daughters now, and I'm married. And it even comes up in my marriage. And the raising of children like, this is just a big responsibility to be intentionally parent, to intentionally love somebody, you know, like, it is just hard. And I find myself sometimes like really having to talk through, not always wanting to be the one making decisions in my household, because that triggers me a lot of the time, because it's like, there's so much on my shoulders. And that has looked like having a lot of conversations with my husband about what I need, and about what I want. Because growing up, I didn't have that voice. And so reminding myself that I'm safe now. And that I have that voice. And that I can use it. To create a healing space, a healed space. Within my own home is deep and intense work, like so many people on social media and in books and experts, and blah, blah, blah, make healing, feel so light. But healing is a heavy ass, intentional ass lift that we must commit to day by day, moment by moment, second by second, because especially if you don't have if you didn't have anybody modeling healing for you, it's easy to like, not be able to control yourself to, to not be able to regulate yourself and your emotions. And so it just takes a lot of brain power to do things to literally do things differently, to literally choose a different way, even in an instant.
This morning, a great example, my husband made a snarky comment that I didn't like, and I'm pretty combative. But I just didn't want to go there this morning. I didn't have it in me I didn't want to. And I'm also working on responding versus reacting. And he, I asked a question after he made a snarky remark. And then he got defensive. And I did not take the bait like I normally do. I just let it go. And that is how I know I'm healing in the moments when it's like oh you know, you know that Oh, like, like, okay, um, and like in choosing to be like, I'm not doing that. Like I love you and I want this morning to not be a shit show. So I am not going to say anything. And I'll say something later, when I have the words and when we can reconnect and talk. We We are not at that place right now. Because it's like, marriage is partnership and healing while doing both. It's like hard. But it also I also feel deeply safe. Which is not something that I felt growing up. And so healing also looks like safety. Like, even when me and my husband disagree or someone makes a snarky comment, or we're pissed at each other, or we're disagreeing on, you know how to make lunch, you know what I'm saying? It's like, I still feel safe. And I think that that is what we try to model for not only ourselves, and our friendship, but our children. And so it's exhausting ass work to not cuss somebody out when they say something crazy to you. You know, like—
Ev'Yan Whitney
Yeah.
Alex Elle
—it's hard. And I'm making I am this- I'm saying this very lightheartedly now, because it's funny to me now. But this morning, it wasn't freakin funny, ya know what I'm saying? And so it's like, shoot, picking our battles is how I knew I was healing. Picking my battles is how I knew I was healing. Responding when I had the space versus reacting in the moment is when I knew I was healing. And nobody taught me how to do this. Nobody. So figuring out along the way, is- it's crazy. It's like it's a shitshow. But it's also deeply rewarding, because it's like, I can do this, even though no one lead by example for me. I am leading by example for my children. And hopefully they go out in the world, and they're good human beings, and they will lead by example, to the people who are bearing witness to them.
Ev'Yan Whitney
Yeah. Yeah. Everything you said about this little snarky comment your husband made, I'm like, been there. Relatable. And also, you know, really just speaks to how the relationships that we're in the relationships that choose us, or that we choose can be opportunities, or just mirrors for us to be able to see like, Okay, I could respond in this old way, this old shape, or I can respond in this new shape, how I want to feel how I want these interactions to be. And like, I've been there many times, just this week, and it's only Tuesday, with my own partner, you know, and sometimes it's, I can get like, I, first of all, I really appreciate what you said about safety, because so much of our ability to heal within our relationships, to be held accountable to heal as we're in our relationships, rests on us feeling safe with us and our partners feeling safe with us. That is crucial. And I think I've certainly seen folks who are trying to do these really big efforts of healing themselves, while they're in relationships that they don't feel safe in and how, how challenging that is. Because I don't know, I don't know who I would be as a healed individual. If I didn't have this relationship that I've been in that mirrors for me in some really harsh and sobering ways, like, the ways that I still need to shift or the ways that I have shifted, and I could go a little deeper. And I yeah, I think about relationships a lot with this because we're not healing in this isolated, vacuumed space, like, we have to-- and I think sometimes maybe that's like, that would be like the ideal, right? You go off in the woods for six months, or six weeks or a year, you're completely alone. You heal yourself completely. You don't have to hurt anybody's feelings or make snarky comments, you just you're in it with yourself. And then once you have fully healed, you go out into the world and you're you're there but like, I find that relationships are one of the best places- those interpersonal interactions - are one of the best places for me to really figure out like, Oh, have I changed out of this shape? And it's, it's hard. It's really hard getting that mirror every day, especially from a long term partner that you you live with. It is something
Alex Elle
It's like, why are we doing this?
Ev'Yan Whitney
Yeah.
Alex Elle
We are choosing this you know, and, and that's, I think that's actually what makes me feel most safe. It is that I have a choice. And that my husband has a choice and that my chosen family, like we are choosing each other, that is a radically healing, communal connection to be chosen. And to be choosing the people that you want to be in your life. Like, that is deeply rooted in the healing space for me.
Ev'Yan Whitney
Yeah.
Alex Elle
Especially as someone who grew up feeling like she didn't have a choice. And she didn't have a voice. So like consistently reminding myself that, Alex, you're safe now. You have a voice, and you have a choice. And that is healing as well.
Ev'Yan Whitney
Yeah, yeah. I just love this conversation. I love when it's opening up inside of me, and I love what you are sharing with all of us. And it's, it's making me think about just how powerful it is to be held by someone who is a little further along in this journey. Because it can be really daunting-- it is really daunting to heal alone, to not know where to start. And your book, How We Heal is just, it's so beautiful. First of all, I mean, it's just, it's, it's filled with so many incredible stories, exercises, practices, journal prompts, that really guide folks by the hand very gently into considering their own healing and embodying it in ways that resonate with them. And I'm really curious about, you know, I feel like healing in a lot of ways, at least for me, I don't want to speak for everybody else. But I feel like when I started really intentionally getting on this track of connecting to myself, coming into my body, all of these things, it felt very intellectual. Like, it's not like, read a book, you know, say these mantras out loud, it will change your thinking, which will change your behavior, and it will change your life. And I've noticed that, yes, we need the mind. Absolutely. We need thought and logic and rationality to go in these directions of healing ourselves. But I have been so deeply changed even more so from incorporating body-based practices into my healing journey. Like I remember, I've been in therapy off and on since I was like 16 years old. And a lot of that therapy has been very talk based. It's been very like, oh, how, like, you know, how did that make you feel like really focusing on the mind to dig up memories and things like that. And I remember the first time I ever did a breathwork session, the very first time, I'd never done breathwork ever. And I had no idea what to expect. And I did not know that it would give me such a big release. But I walked away from that breathwork session, just an hour, and I felt deeply changed and healed, more so than the last, like 15 years of talk therapy that I had. And that really led me on this track of where I am now about like really focusing on somatics within my work and thinking about how yes, we need the mind, but also as we hear we need to think about our bodies. And I loved that in your book you incorporated so many exercises, with breath work and meditation. Alongside you know, the, I guess you would kind of say like heady things of like people's stories and doing journal prompts. And I wondered, I wondered what you think about body based practices and why you find them to be so crucial in our healing journeys?
Alex Elle
So this is deeply personal. Because I'm an adult who walks through the world with OCD, anxiety and depression. I take 50 milligrams of Zoloft for it.
Ev'Yan Whitney
OMG, are we Zoloft twins? Oh my-- same. Literally the same dose I've been on the same dose for like 14 years so, Zoloft gang gang.
Alex Elle
Yes, Zoloft gang-gang in the house. And the reason why I'm bringing that up is because it is really hard for me to sit and just talk therapy. It is really hard for me to sit and just do meditation. And so a lot of my work is centered around of course, writing practice, and also movement, and finding a way to bridge to bring both together in this restorative space. And so breathwork, I started-- I got certified in breathwork last year. And that happened because I had a complete and utter anxiety attack meltdown. I had completely deprioritize myself. And I had been quite literally feeling like I was holding my breath. So deeply, like just shallow breathing, deeply disconnected from myself. And I was like, I don't know what to do. I don't know who I am. I don't know why I'm here. And I-- therapy is not helping in the way that I need it to help. And I also started my walking practice, then, to which I've been walking every single day for over a year. And so finding new ways to tap into my meditation, my body, my mind, my soul, it may look different from how other people do it. I can't my anxiety, I can't sit on the cushion for an hour. I have tried it. I have felt so bad because I can't do it. I'm not a traditional meditator. But I just can't. My mind is, is not set up that way. And so intention, giving myself something to do on the cushion like the box breath, or deep belly breathing, or the rock'n'roll breath, like, helps, because then I'm giving my brain something to do with intention, and also being grounded in that moment. On days, I can't do that. I go for my walk. And I listen to the birds or I listen to Pema Chodron in an audiobook, and that is my moving meditation. And then I make a cup of tea when I come home, and I'm I kind of channeled Thich Nhat Hanh, and I make the tea with intention slowly not rushed. Those two are deeply healing acts of self choosing, and of intentional being with ourselves.
And what I want those practices and how we heal to do is to give people options, like some of us may be neurodivergent, some of us may have deeply traumatic experiences, and we cannot sit on the cushion, because our minds will do more harm than good. Some of us may have anxiety, or OCD. And like we just can't. And so giving people accessible tools that are meditative and restorative and healing, but that may look different from the traditional practices that other folks do is important, which is why I say healing is for everybody. But if no one sees these other options, or as an org, no one has been taught these other options, it's going to be challenging for deep healing to start happening, because then we feel bad because it's like, oh, I can't be in that savasana yoga class, because laying there too long, brings back too much trauma for me. Or I don't want to sit on the cushion and just be with my thoughts because it hurts my heart. And I'm not in the space to do that. And so healing is so again, coming back to that word of multifaceted thing, and trusting that it is multifaceted, and that we can untether from tradition.
Ev'Yan Whitney
Yes.
Alex Elle
And do things that serve us in our life and in our space right now. That that too is also healing.
. . .
Ev’Yan Whitney
Hey, wanted to pop in quickly to let you in on a little secret that’s happening today.
So, we’re at the end of 2022, right? We’re in a place of stepping away from the old year and prepping to live that clean slate that will be 2023. I’m excited for 2023, it’s got a nice ring to it, but for me, before I can even think about stepping into the new year, I gotta wrap up the energetic loose ends and gunk of 2022.
Because I don’t know about you, but 2022 was rich with complexity and heartbreak and challenging moments that tested my ability to be in my sensual self, and I really feel that those things need to be acknowledged, honestly, those things need to be released, so that the magic of 2023 isn’t imbued with that crusty and dusty energy. I also want to celebrate all that I survived and accomplished year, because 2022 was a lot, yes, but it was also really beautiful.
And here’s the secret: Every year I create a digital workbook called Review Reflect Release that is designed to help you recap, rejoice, and let go of 2022 so that you can step into the abundant potential of 2023, and because you’re a listener of Sensual Self, you get early access to it right now.
Review Reflect Release is packed with over 150 prompts, exercises, rituals, and meditations to support you as you reflect on all that happened in 2022. There are prompts that’ll help you reflect on your relationship with your body, the milestones you accomplished, your personal moments of sensuality, and space to help you process what you healed in yourself in 2022. I guide you on how to do a release ritual to help you let go of the aspects of this year that you don’t want to carry with you into the new. There’s also a robust section to help you map out your intentions for 2023.
I even made a playlist for you to listen and move to as you work through it. Seriously, it’s got everything you need to wrap up 2022 and manifest 2023
With over 5000 downloads to date, this workbook is not only a fave of yours, it’s one that I love to make for you. And each workbook is different from the last, so if you’ve worked through it before, know that this edition has a fresh look, new prompts, and updated sections to hold and inspire you while you process.
To get early access to my my workbook and get a jump start on your end of the year processing and releasing, go to to my website: evyanwhitney.com/rrrbook or click the link the show notes.
Review Reflect Release is a beautiful way to embody the phrase, “Out with the old, in with the new” and I would love to be a guide for you as you do so. Again, link to get early bird access is in the show notes. And let’s get back to the episode.
. . .
Ev'Yan Whitney
I love that permission to find alternative ways or alternate ways of connecting to healing because you're right. I mean, for the longest time, it has been this very specific way that's been really glorified of, you know, sitting cross legged on the floor and meditating for an hour. And I am the very same. It's very difficult for me to do a meditation where I'm meant to try to not think. And that was one of the reasons why I began my sensual dance meditation practices because it was a really great way for me to move my body with dance, organic movement and music. And to use that as a way to connect to myself to connect to anger to connect to grief and emotions that I haven't felt before versus sitting cross legged on a hard floor and trying not to think. Like, I just-- I love that you're talking about this because I think so, so often in my own healing journey. I have seen culture really pedestal folks who are able to do that kind of work as though the other forms and mediums of healing aren't good enough or they're not um...
Alex Elle
sacred?
Ev'Yan Whitney
Yes, yes. They're not effective because it's not sacred. And I have been harmed I think in my, in my healing journey because of that thinking and because of feeling like I had to-- I've had to perform healing in order to healing. You know what I mean?
Alex Elle
Yes, yes.
Ev'Yan Whitney
Yeah. And how toxic that to be like, I don't know, I'm just thinking about these moments where I felt like I have to perform healing in order to like, do the thing. Like, Oh, this is what people say that I should do. So if I do this thing that I will be healed. And it's like, oh, actually, I'm, I'm disassociating. I'm not, I'm not in my body, I'm not connected to anything like, Yes, I might be reading this book or saying these affirmations, but they're not landing, they're not rooting inside of me. And it was quite an act of liberation, for me to realize, I don't work like that. Like, that's not what I need in order for me to heal. Here are the things that I need. And I'm going to prioritize those things. And also, I'm going to trust my body, that if my body is like, nope, we can't sit cross legged, and meditate, like, that's not what we do, I'm going to trust that. And I'm not going to admonish my body or myself for not being able to, to be in that kind of space of healing.
Alex Elle
We need less wellness practices that make us feel bad about ourselves.
Ev'Yan Whitney
Oh, yes.
Alex Elle
Like we just do, and we really should be-- culture should be embodying that everything works differently for everyone.
Ev'Yan Whitney
Yes.
Alex Elle
And it is absolutely okay. If your healing looks different from mine, if your meditation looks different from mine, if your journaling practice looks different from mine. Like that is the sacredness is the diversity of how healing shows up for folks. And how self love and self honoring and self awareness shows up for us. I think that is that is the healing work. If we had less, people telling us we're doing it wrong, and more people encouraging us to do what feels right and good for ourselves and in our bodies. Yeah, as long as it's not harming anyone, like more power to you for finding what works for you, you know? Because a big part of the reason why I got into this work is because I want people to see different. I want people to see, even if they don't resonate with me, that there is an option. That it can look different. That it's not one si-- healing is not one size fits all, meditation is not one size fits all. You know, at the end of the day, the goal is communal care. The goal is community care. Self care as an act of community care. How are we nourishing ourselves in a way that feels right and good and safe that allows other people to bear witness to us in our most authentic space? Not when we're performing. When we are performing. We are doing harm to ourselves, to our to our spirit to our mental, you know, it's like releasing the idea that we have to perform. And instead just being ourselves.
Ev'Yan Whitney
Mm hmm. Yeah, I think this is one of the reasons why I get so angry about the wellness industry, because I think it's it's an industry that we, understandably, are taught to trust because it's wellness. How could you mistrust wellness? And that's not to say the entire wellness industry is bad, but I've definitely seen like, a lot of harm and a lot of pressurised teaching going on within the wellness community that makes folks feel like oh, well, I don't know if wellness is for me then. Because if I can't, if you're telling me I need to meditate like this, and I need to go, I need to spend this amount of money to go on this yoga retreat. And I need to have this kind of passport. Like if, like, that just feels so inaccessible. And I yeah, I just I love folks like you who are really giving us all permission to find our way. The way that feels, as you said, right, good and safe.
Alex Elle
Right, good and safe.
Ev'Yan Whitney
Yeah.
Alex Elle
yes.
Ev'Yan Whitney
Yeah.
I am. Oh my god. There's so many things I want to talk to you about. I have like so many other questions that are coming up. But I did want to touch on this one thing because I'm so curious to hear you speak about it. It's a mention in your book as well- Inner Child work, inner child healing.
Alex Elle
Mm hmm.
Ev'Yan Whitney
Speaking of wellness culture, that is something I have heard a lot. I'm certain people who are listening to this podcast have seen Instagram posts or TikToks about inner child healing. And I just wondered, you know, what is that? What does that mean to you? And what does it look like to do that in practice?
Alex Elle
What does that mean for me? For me, it means being kind to myself.
Ev'Yan Whitney
Hmm.
Alex Elle
And being kind to little Alex, and loving her in the way that she wasn't loved. Which is really hard for me to do. I carry a lot of shame that I'm working through. Shame that actually just started surfacing around three years ago when I turned 30, which I heard that every decade like something new comes up, you thought you dealt with and it's like, Girl, no.
Ev'Yan Whitney
That's it. That's about right.
Alex Elle
Um, so for me, I use writing, of course, to heal my inner child, to write letters to her to be compassionate towards her to forgive her. And so when I think of inner child work, I think of holding myself in a way that I had never been held. I started feeling really ashamed for being a teen mom, when I turned 30. And I never really thought twice about it in depth, until I came to this new awareness and awakening that wow, I hated myself. I wasn't protecting my body. I didn't consider how hard being a mother is, and was I my oldest has a different father from, you know, my two younger ones. And even though Charlie calls my husband, Papa, and she is just as much his as she is mine, there is still that Ouch. That comes up for me that certain things Charlie just will never get because her father and I aren't together and weren't together, you know, the things that I learned Maxie get? The main one being both her parents in the House who love each other. You know, like, Charlie and I have had a lot of conversations about how that has made her feel even though Papa is her. Also her dad, you know, it's like-- And so there's a lot of guilt that I didn't consider. I didn't consider before bringing a child into the world. And so a lot of my inner child healing has actually been like healing my young adult self. And being kind to her because she didn't know better and she was ignorant, and she was hard headed and stubborn and hurting. And so of course, 18 year old me is not the same as 30 year old me is not the same as 33 year old me, and she still deserves compassion and love from me, because she is still me. When I teach inner child work, I often tell folks, you are your inner child. We'e not separate.
Ev'Yan Whitney
Yeah.
Alex Elle
We're tapping into a different layer of who we were, but we are not separate from who we were. And so, practicing what I preach is hard. When it comes to this work, a lot of I've been thinking, too, a lot about why I chose to have a family. I love my family. I love my husband, I love my children. And it's interesting to see the projection that society puts on women and us in general, to have traditional marriages.To have children. And if you don't, you're less than. And it's like, whoa, did I create this life because I actually wanted to, or because the messaging is, this is what you do.
Ev'Yan Whitney
Yeah.
Alex Elle
And, and so that's what I've been working through a lot, actually recently is like, how much of this life is intentional? You know, like, is it? And if it's not, where is it not and like why, you know, and not giving myself shit about it, but just being honest. Like, I know when I got married I was 26. No, I wasn't. How old was I? Jesus. We've been together nine years. And married for six years. I don't know. I was in my early I was in my mid 20s. I can't do math right now.
Ev'Yan Whitney
I know, too. And don't ask me I don't.
Alex Elle
But I remember feeling like of course, you meet this amazing man. And you marry him? Yeah. There was no other option, like there. And I was so young. When we met I was 23. Me and Ryan met, I was 23. And I just thought like, I have to marry him. He's really nice. He's very cute. He's funny. We're really good friends. And he loves my daughter. Charlie was four at the time. And he's the one. And he is the one. He is my one. I will say that. But I think both of us thought that we had to just do what you're supposed to do. Like,
Ev'Yan Whitney
Yeah.
Alex Elle
you know, and we weren't aware enough. We weren't aware enough to be like, maybe this isn't, you know, what needs to happen right now. And so now we're having these conversations of like, what it looks like to have autonomy. We've been together for so long, like what it looks like to have autonomy within a committed monogamous relationship. And also like, what that feels like, for me, I've never been alone.
Ev'Yan Whitney
Mm hmm.
Alex Elle
So I've been healing a lot through that I went from being a teen mom, to being in a serious relationship, to being married, to having more children. And it's like, if I would have-- and it's not even would have or should have, it's just like, wow, I have never been alone, I will never live alone. And like what that feels like for my younger self, because I hear some of my friends and they talk about, you know, that they've lived alone. And I'm just like, whoa, that's some shit I've never never experienced. And that's not to say that I want to live alone. But like, there is a grieving, there is a grieving of the duality. Like, because I have also single friends who really want children. And they don't know when they're gonna have children because they're not partnered. So there's like, it's all these different things. There are folks who decide not to have kids, but they want a committed relationship, but their partner wants kid it's just a lot. And so that's really what I've been working on and working through.
Ev'Yan Whitney
Alex, I am just self moving through so much of what you said there was a lot of a lot of resonance with what you are processing right now, within my own story I got with my partner very young to I was 19. And also met with the same questions of like, I've never lived alone. And then I did end up living alone as an experiment. We lived apart for a bit and it gave me a glimpse of what that duality could look like and feel like and ultimately, you know, we chose to be together because it was it was good for us. We really enjoyed that. But I really, I really feel you. Like, I just I don't know what else to say. But just like I am I'm pondering the same questions of, of choice and examining the areas of my life where I thought that I had chosen was informed consent, but it actually wasn't, you know? It actually was more like, this is what you should do. So this I'm going to give you all the information about what what you should make as a choice. And how, how destabilizing that's been for me to think about like, Oh, I've I've thought that I've been so free in my life when really, I haven't. It's like there are areas of my life where I thought that I was at actively choosing on purpose with intention. And it's like, oh, actually, no, I was sort of following a script. You said about how this isn't this examination isn't to, isn't about being judgmental. It's not about admonishing yourself. It's just like, let's get curious about the areas that, you know, you think you are healed in, have healed from, have made choices around and be honest about what you find there.
Alex Elle
That's it. The curiosity, the non judgement. And the holding of everything that comes to the surface. And not labeling it like good or bad or indifferent, it's just there. And I think that's what's the hardest part about healing for me, and healing intentionally, I want to say because it requires us to look at it all. And to be compassionate, and to be non judgmental, and to be with it all. And that is something that is really uncomfortable for me, and I think a lot of people, but when we choose to heal, and when we choose to be honest, when we're healing, so much deeper joy, and understanding. And self awareness can come to the surface.
Ev'Yan Whitney
Alex, thank you so much for the work that you do the space that you provide for all of us to, to be in right relationship, as we are healing ourselves. And thank you for being a possibility model to all of these other people, myself included, about what it means to heal, you know, particularly those who feel like they're doing it all by themselves, who are the matriarchs of healing of their lineage, I am so grateful that you do what you do that you show up so fiercely, and courageously and transparently, with your own process. And I just really appreciate the time that you took today to speak on that. And also, I appreciate this beautiful offering of how we heal your book, which is so beautiful, and I recommend it to everybody who is just beginning their healing journey or just wants to deepen their healing journey. I think that this is it's just it's a beautiful read. And I thank you so much for guiding us through it in your book and also guiding us in this conversation today.
Alex Elle
Thank you so much. It's always a joy to speak with you. I'm really grateful that we had this time together.
Ev'Yan Whitney
Yeah, me too. Me too. Well, before we close this conversation, please tell folks where they can find you support your work, get your book, tell us everything.
Alex Elle
You can find me and my work on AlexElle.com. You can find retreats there, you can find one on one coaching information there. And of course, I'm on Instagram. My name on there is just @Alex, and my podcast with Libby DeLana called this morning walk, which is a new endeavor, but it's such a beautiful offering of the lessons that life teaches us. Teach us teaches us you know what I mean? And so yeah, that's, that's where I am and I look forward to being in community with you all and of course how we heal is available for preorder. Right now if you're hearing this after November 8, it is out and your support with this project would just mean the world to me. So thank you so much.
Ev'Yan Whitney
Beautiful and I love that your book comes out you said November 8, is that right?
Alex Elle
Yes.
Ev'Yan Whitney
That's my anniversary with my partner. We’ll be together 16 years on that day, so very auspicious.
Alex Elle
Wow. Okay, well, happy almost anniversary. And thank you again for having me. This was really a delightful conversation.
Ev’Yan Whitney
Yes, the pleasure was all mine.
. . .
Ev'Yan Whitney
I loved that conversation. I loved what it opened in me. I loved the places it made my brain and my body go. I love that it invited me to get curious about my own healing journey and find a little bit of excitement about what's to come as I move through these versions of transformation and change in myself. Big, big love to Alex for everything that she offered us here. And please go get a copy of her book, How We Heal. It is incredible y'all. And you can find that wherever you find books.
I'm feeling really inspired by what Alex shared with us. And it's got me thinking about where we are in this moment in time. You know, we're coming to the end of 2022 and beginning and beginning a new year 23 Which is wild. Wow, It's wild. I just said that out loud. I'm like, Wow, 2023. So, for me when we're coming to this new year, the end of the year always puts me in a reflective mood, you know, thinking generally about all that transpired, all I became, all the triumphs and glitches along the way. And then I also start thinking about what I want to create in the new year, you know, who I want to be what I want to heal within myself. Essentially, setting intentions for what I want to experience and how I want to feel in the new year. So in the spirit of these end of the year vibes, and also because Alex opened this beautiful space for us to think about what is possible and our self healing journeys, for this week's sensual practice, I've got some journal prompts to help us reflect on and dream up what it means to intentionally heal ourselves. So feel free to pause this episode so you can write these down and come back to them whenever you're ready to dive in.
First prompt, what do I want to heal in myself in the new year? What do I want to heal in my body? What do I want to heal in relationship to my pleasure? In relationship to my sexuality?
Second prompt, why do I want to heal these parts of me? Why do I care about doing this healing work?
What steps will I need to take to prioritize my healing? I'm thinking about boundaries. I'm thinking about accountability. Maybe reminders that you might need to set so that your healing is prioritized.
What resources or modalities will I need to use or seek out to support my process? Things like breathwork, therapy, a movement practice.
How would I like to infuse joy and pleasure into my healing journey?
How would I like to meet myself when I encounter hardship on my path? Like what are some words of encouragement or compassion that I would like to offer myself when things get challenging as I heal.
What do I sense will become possible within myself as I heal myself? And for this, I'm thinking about the aspects of myself, the expressions of myself, maybe openings and new ways of being that will become possible as a result of the healing that you'll do?
Eight, How do I think my doing this healing will impact others around me? What do I hope to be able to give back to my community through my healing self?
Nine, And how will I know when I've gotten there? How differently will my relationship be to my body? How will I feel? How will I move? How will I be as a healed or healing self?
And what do I imagine my loved ones might say they see shifting and me as I'm undergoing this process of healing?
So those are the prompts, and a couple of tips I want to offer as you get into them. The first is that journaling is just one way to engage with this process. Maybe you make a mood board or a piece of art that captures the look and feel of this process. Maybe you use each prompt as a question you'll pull tarot to. Maybe you do a walking or dancing meditation to help you explore what embodying these answers to these prompts can feel like in your own body. You know, really let your body be your guide in terms of what feels generative and supportive for you as you explore and uncover. Also, take your time with this process, give yourself space to feel into what and who you want to heal into.
Whenever I'm in processes like these, I like to really set the tone in the space, I'm doing this work in, so I go somewhere where I won't be interrupted. I light candles, I turn on some music. Sometimes I'll take a hot salted bath and do some self massage before to really get me in my body before I do this work, it's about finding that sweet spot of tending to yourself, trusting the pacing and tempo that you need to unfurl. And also holding yourself accountable to doing the work so that you can be clear and focused about where you want to go. You know, it's about trust and flow.
And finally, since this was brought up today, maybe invite your ancestors in to be a part of this process, light a candle for them, speak the names of the ancestors, you know, and acknowledge the ones you do not know. Welcoming them to be there as you move through the prompts. It's so true that the healing we're embarking on for ourselves is usually a first for our lineage. And it's powerful when we can acknowledge that and practices like these, and also make space for those who came before us to witness the steps we're taking to heal. Because it's often not just us we're healing. We're helping to heal our ancestors too.
Okay, y'all. That's all I have for you today. And all I have for you in the year 2022. Can you believe it? I hope this practice serves you well. I'm sending you lots of love and quiet joy as you journey through the end of the calendar year. And I will see you in 2023.
. . .
Sensual Self is created and hosted by me, Ev’Yan Whitney. It is edited by myself and Tribble. Music is by Melodiesinfonie from his song called ‘Just Healing.’
For show notes, transcripts, and resources for your sensuality, go to evyanwhitney.com/podcast. You can also follow the show on Instagram @sensual.self.
As for me, I’m on Instagram at @evyan.whitney, and you can check out evyanwhitney.com to find out more about me and my work.
Also check out my book Sensual Self: Prompts and Practices For Getting in Touch With Your Body. You can find that wherever you find books.
Thanks so much for being here and I’ll see you in the next one.