You Cannot Be in Your Shame & in Your Orgasm Simultaneously


Photo: Marissa Lynn, LA

Making love or fucking under the pressure of your Critical Mind is one of the most energetically draining things we as humans partake in.

On the one hand, our body is ready to go, responding to stimulating visuals and/or passionate caresses. On the other, our Critical Mind is incessantly repeating falsehoods in our sub-conscious, making it so that we can’t even focus on the pleasure at hand.

“You aren’t worthy of pleasure.”
“Sex is dirty, sex is sinful, sex is wrong.”
“Your body is not lovable or fuckable.”
“You are not sexy.”
“You are being violated.” 

These phrases are the most common ones that enter my mind when I’m being sexually intimate or expressive. They take over my precious moments of erotic release with their hurtful, harmful sentiments, and from them, I feel nothing but shame.

For a long, long time, I would fight against these utterances of Critical Mind, thinking that if I just tuned it out, if I just didn’t listen, perhaps it would finally be silent. But the more I ignored the voice, the louder it became. And it got so loud that it drowned out the passion of my love-making and the celebration of my sexual self.

Eventually, I found myself sitting in complete and total fear of this critical, devilish voice; so much, that I didn’t even want to engage in sex, let alone express my innate sexual self. And as I sat in fear, the words of Critical Mind seeped deeper and deeper and deeper. . .

If you surround yourself with something long enough, it becomes part of your scenic reality. It’s a very slow, very gradual process. As much as I hate to admit it, the words of Critical Mind began to mistakenly ring true for me. I never actually agreed to them; rather, I accepted them as if they were compliments being given from the heart, all the while sinking into self-aided sensual bondage.

That was a dark time for me and my marriage.

It took me a thousand days (more or less) to come to a realization about this critical voice and my own participation in the annihilation of my sexual self. This dance with Critical Mind during sexual activity wasn’t done without my will. I allowed these things to be said about me—to me—without doing very much about it. I was passive. I taught this voice how to speak to me.

It takes more than a quick Hush! to quiet Critical Mind. You have to tell that shit-talking asshole it is not welcome, that you forbid its presence in your bedroom, in your body, in your beautiful mind. You’ve got to get mad. You’ve got to be firm. You’ve got to mean it.

But you must especially understand (and respect) that you absolutely cannot be in your shame and in your sexual actualizations at the same time. It has to be one or the other. It cannot be both.

If you’re going to be in your shame, don’t teeter. Be in your shame. Let it permeate through your body and wrap itself around you. Feel its coldness, its isolation. Don’t hide from it; accept it.

If you’re going to be in your shame, you may as well do it right.

If you are going to be in your orgasm, be in your orgasm. Let it permeate through your body and wrap itself around you. Feel its warmth, it’s unconditional love. Don’t hide from it; surrender to it.

You may as well do it right.

I wish I could tell you truthfully that these critical voices disappear. Unfortunately, they do not. But the noise they make gets quieter and quieter with time.

Oh, and because this writing began with some very ugly, totally untrue phrases straight from Critical Mind, here are some light, liberating love-words from that inner sex goddess trying to get your attention just as loudly (to cleanse this space of bad juju):

You are worthy of divine, succulent, orgasmic pleasure.
Sex is a gift, sex is nourishment, sex is beautiful.
Your body is perfect the way it is.
Your sexual essence shines through every move you make.

When you heed the erotic, you’re in the presence of the Divine.

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