I Know Who I Am! Echos Within My Cave of Solitude


For over four months, I have been lying fallow, resting my weary soul to pay close attention to my desires & my dreams. In this process, I have been diving into more soulful, spiritual things—gods & goddesses, gemstones & moon phases, the deep inner dwellings of my psyche, the visions I have as I sleep—all in an attempt to better know myself.

Because for a moment there, I got side-tracked.

One of the most poignant things I became fully conscious of during my hiatus was that, even though I feel wise beyond my years like an old soul trapped in the body of a woman in her twenties, I still have great, big things to learn & unearth within my being.

This one seems so obvious, but its reverberation created a crucial shift in my awareness, prompting me (begging me) to go easy on myself.

I must not abuse myself for the things I didn’t know.

Throughout & within this period of hibernation, I have done some much needed tilling of the soil in my heart by way of book reading & meditation & dancing & satiating my hungers—literally & figuratively. And as my mind & body have been in this heightened state of quietness, I have seen magic.

I have seen the wispy essence of my Genius, & she takes the form of a whimsical, turbulent, playful spirit who chooses to present herself at times that are sporadic & most inopportune. I am still learning to take advantage when Her Eminence Lady Genius comes into the room & whispers masterpieces in my ear.

I have found that being connected & in communion with life, friends, family, love, & my community are the main motivators for my own deep & conscious living.

I have discovered that my dreams tell me things; that I am highly intuitive—almost to the point of clairvoyance.

I have realized that I am most fearful & resistent of my talents as a writer because I am terrified of rejection & the magnitude of the consequences of my gift. But I understand that suffering for my art is not mandatory but optional.

I have seen miraculous things happen when I drop away from a need to please, a need to be a particular something or someone.

I now know what it means when people say words like Source & Divine & God (in capital letters), for I have harnessed my Source, I have danced with the Divine, & I have witnessed God.

I know that I have reconciled with the predicaments I’ve had with sex & my sexuality, therefore freeing up my mind to do & surrender to other things, like spirituality, the exploration of my self, & connection to my true purpose. What a blessing this is!

I know that I thrive better when I am not attached to certain systems or outcomes. I also know that my old soul, this ancient, wise deity within me, is hindered by certain forms of technology. (One of my words for this new year is ANALOG.)

I know better on a profound level the importance of honoring myself, my natural rhythms, my intuition, my ability to say No & Yes without guilt, though I am sure that this is a lesson I will continue to learn & relearn, as I have a tendency to lose my way.

I know that my creative self is stimulated & nourished by the attention I give to my sexual self.

I know that I feel comforted at the notion that there are & have been women like me who feel what I feel, desire what I desire. And I have found that these women exist now & in my personal & spiritual lineage—& knowing this makes me feel less crazy & more validated that I am precisely who I am & should be.

I know what it is that I desire & what it is I don’t. I know that I am a woman with a body that feels, with a heart that is tender, with an ethereal spirit that is hungry for shameless release.

I know that I am vast & limitless. I know that incased within this thin flesh are the legacies of Aphrodite, of my mother & sacred sisters, of passion & yearning, of God itself, & of desire—so much desire.

I know that I must speak from between my legs & write from within my womb, my sacred creative center.

And I know that I must cooperate with my creative self, rather than with the oppression of it.

It is my deepest, most sincerest mission to honor all that I am & all that I have yet to become. This is my journey of deepest self-discovery, & I thank you for joining me.

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To celebrate my re-emergence, I’m hosting a LIVE virtual workshop I’m calling The Importance of Lying Fallow. It’s happening. . .

Tuesday, February 19th @ 2pm PT / 5pm ET

I’ll be chatting candidly with you about my four month long hiatus (& why I took it), the inner journey I went on to “re-find” myself, & how you can create your own sanctuary for retreat—for now & for later.

If you’d like to be there, leave your name & email below. I’ll send more details over the weekend. (Note: If you’re already signed up to my newsletter, you don’t need to do anything.)



© 2020 Ev'Yan Whitney / All rights reserved.