What Happened When I Went To A Sex Party: Q&A

Photo: DjLoHeaD

Recently I fulfilled one of my ultimate sexual fantasies and curiosities and went to my very first sex party. And even though I thought that I wouldn't be able to handle it (for reasons that I go into here and here), I had the best time.

After reading my recent series, a lot of you had questions for me about my experience. You wanted to know more about the finer details—perhaps with the hopes that more information would give you the courage to finally attend your own sex party (which: I'm rooting for you!).

So I decided to answer some of your burning questions about my adventures at an all femme play party.


How did you even get invited to this party?

I happen to know a bunch of sex educators in Portland (where I live) and through that network is how I got connected to AJ, who created an all femme sex coven here. I had expressed interest to AJ before about wanting to go to a play party and when they were having another one, she very thoughtfully gave me a head's up.

Play parties are surprisingly not that difficult to find in your area; you just have to know where to look.

My advice is to get connected to the sex-positive community in your city. One of the best ways you can do this by joining Fetlife.com (which is like Facebook but for sexually curious, kinky people) and see if there are any events happening.

If you're still coming up dry, you can always host your own. But I encourage folks to go to at least one before attempting to host.

Your husband was OK with this?

100%. He, of course, would've loved to have been invited, but he was perfectly happy for me that I was going.

What about protection?

Masturbation was the theme of the night so, for the most part, sex with others didn't happen. However, protection was still widely used. One femme wore gloves as she masturbated herself. Another femme wore a condom her foot as she foot-fucked another femme. And we all used barriers on the toys we were using, even vibrators—both to be safe and to be courteous.

I honestly feel like I lucked out with this party because almost everyone in attendance was some kind of sex educator or sex worker, so there was a depth of knowledge and an awareness of safety and accountability that was infused in everything that took place that evening.

Weren't you afraid of getting STIs?

That didn't really cross my mind, partly because I knew going into it that I was likely not going to be having sex with anyone other than myself and even if I did, I would use some kind of barrier (which, of course, doesn't shield against all STIs).

So no, I wasn't afraid of catching an STI. I was more worried about catching feelings.

I'd like to mention, though, that most sexually transmitted infections are treatable, and the stigma attached to them is old and tired. STIs are a normal part of sexual activity and it is not the end of the world if you contract one. The best way to prevent that from happening is by using protection, getting tested regularly, and asking that your partners do the same.

What surprised you most about the sex party?

I was really surprised that sex wasn't the only thing we did together. Maybe because we were a bunch of femmes, but we spent a good chunk of the time talking and processing and holding space for where each of us was at. Which I loved. The attentiveness we all had to everyone's emotional well-beings was truly special.

Was there anything you didn't like about it?

I mentioned this before in my last post, but I wasn't a huge fan of the porn film that we were watching together. I had nothing against it, it just wasn't my personal flavor of erotic.

But even still, it was a great experience to watch it with other femmes. The community aspect of that was a great way to break the ice for me, which calmed my nerves.

If you could go back to that night, what would you do differently?

For one thing, I would do something for myself beforehand to help me relax and get more into my body. I don't like relying on substances to get me to that place, but a part of me wished that I had had something in my system—wine, chamomile tea, weed, even—that didn't have me thinking so much. I feel like the amount of time I spent in my head that night kept me from really being in the experience.

I think I would've liked to have gone with one of my lovers, too, as I have a feeling that that would've helped me feel more comfortable and secure in the experience.

I also wish I had worn more comfortable clothing. The body suit I wore was great and I got a lot of compliments on it. But the shorts I put on over it were too tight and I was tugging on them all night.

I should've listened to my intuition and worn a skirt or a dress.

So, do you think you'd go to another sex party?

Absolutely! I'd love to actually host one of my own eventually.

Do you have any tips for a sex party newbie?

1. Go into it knowing exactly what your boundaries are and how far you feel comfortable going.

2. Wear something that makes you feel sensual but is also comfortable and easily removable.

3. Bring your own sex toys! (And make sure you and others use barriers if you plan on sharing.)

4. Always ask permission before doing anything to anyone else—even if you think you don't need to.

5. Take breaks: drink some water, eat a little snack, go to the bathroom, stretch your legs.

6. Don't put any expectation on yourself to have an orgasm or to even get super aroused your first time.

7. Give yourself permission to step out or leave early if things get too intense for you. (And check in with your partner if you come with one to make sure they're still feeling comfortable.)

8. Thank your play partner(s) for their participation in your pleasure.

And don't forget to help your host clean up.


Stay safe and have fun!

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